Codependency – What is it and what do I do about it?
Ever feel like other people’s moods determine how you feel? Do you place others’ needs before your own, even at the expense of yourself? Does it feel like you need others’ support and encouragement to feel good about yourself, and do you struggle to give yourself that same support? If so, you may be living with patterns of codependency. Not to fear though, this is a behavioral pattern that one can change with a bit of attention and self-care!
What is codependency?
As Melody Beattie has said, codependency happens when a person lets another person’s behavior affect them, and they may try to control or change another person’s behavior as a result. Codependency is considered to be a behavioral habit in which one person becomes emotionally, physically, or mentally reliant on a partner, family member, friend or other important relationship. Another form of codependency occurs when a person makes their relationships more important to them than they are to themselves.
That being said, it is natural to care about and give to others. As human beings, it’s healthy for us to be in relationship with other people, as we need support, connection, and bonds to thrive. However, when you give more attention to others than yourself, those codependent patterns can become excessive, unhealthy, and ineffective. Ideally, you will be able to balance your responsibility to yourself with your duty to your relationships.
How do I know if my relationships are healthy or have elements of codependency?
It is natural to want to care for and support the people in your life. It’s also natural to be affected by others around you. Everyone has loved ones and can feel concern, accountability, and obligation to our loved ones. When your identity, mood, and overall wellbeing become contingent upon another person, your relationship may have moved from healthy to unhealthy.
With this in mind, your relationships are not “codependent” or “not codependent”, as there exists a certain amount of reliance in any relationship that you have, whether that is in a parent-child relationship or the relationship you have with the cashier at the grocery store. So, codependency is not a mental illness, nor is it a personality type. It is a set of behaviors or habits you may engage in at times, depending on the relationship and the stress in the relationship. At their core, codependent relationships contain an imbalance of power, where the needs of one person are more important that than the needs of the other, leaving the deprived person to continue sacrificing themselves for the other.
Some examples of codependent behavior may include:
Taking care of someone else at the expense of yourself
Trying to control others’ behaviors
Repressing emotions and not communicating how you’re feeling
Being aware of others’ emotions but not your own
Feeling uncomfortable when engaging in self-care or focusing on yourself
Feeling insecure when not in the company of others
Needing others’ encouragement to boost self-esteem and self-worth
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
Bending over backwards to avoid hurting others’ feelings at the expense of yourself
Wondering why others don’t do as much for your as you do for them
Feeling safest when “giving” to others
Having difficulty asserting your rights
Not saying what you mean
Avoiding conflict or interpersonal tension
Feeling burned out or exhausted
Codependency is not pathological and having codependent patterns does not mean one is “sick”, “weak”, “crazy”, or “messed up”. It is also not caring for another person or loving others, enjoying others’ company, feeling anxious or upset when a family member or friend is not doing well, nor is having concern for others with whom you are close. Codependent patterns often start early in life as defense mechanisms in relationships when a person had to pay attention to other people and their needs to avoid conflict, tension, abuse, or others’ distress.
What to do if it feels like your relationships have codependent patterns
If you notice some of these behaviors in yourself, fear not! These patterns, with a bit of awareness and motivation, can be changed! Changing your codependent behavioral patterns lie not in changing others, but changing the way you let others’ behaviors, moods, and thoughts affect you. The goal is to “un-link” yourself from the other person. Here are a few ways to start altering some of those habits:
Practice mindfulness of your needs, wants, and emotions, and work on communicating them. Don’t let your needs and wants pile up, or they can create resentment
Identify your values and important principles, and identify how yours differ from those of the people around you
Access and acknowledge that you have feelings and you deserve to have them heard
Practice self-compassion exercises
Place your needs first and engage in self-care routines (eating, sleep, exercise, attending to healthy relationships, engaging in fun activities)
Find ways to detach with love – that is, love the person but set boundaries with yourself to focus on yourself instead of them
Practice grounding exercises to get out of your head if you find yourself thinking about the other person
Set boundaries with the other person and practice your assertiveness to let them know what you need too. We have to tell other people what is important to us, what we need from them, and what we will tolerate. Remember, “we teach people how to treat us.”
Read books on the subject by authors like Melody Beattie (“Codependent No More”) or Darlene Lancer (“Conquering Shame and Codependency”)
Attend a codependency support group like CODA (Codependents Anonymous)
Talk with a therapist who has extensive training in helping individuals break codependent habits
For more information on codependency and how to break the habit, be sure to call or email CPGR to set up an appointment!
