Boundary Setting: How Do I Make It Easier?
Effectively stablishing and maintaining boundaries with other people can be incredibly hard. Whether it’s with a partner, a boss, a family member, or a friend, most people will struggle to set and keep boundaries with another person at some point in their life. But even though most experience this difficulty at some point, many of us don’t stop to think about what boundaries are, why we need them, what our personal boundaries are, or how to create them. With that in mind, let’s dig into the basics of boundary setting and how you can make setting them easier.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries can be considered limits you set on what you will allow. Boundaries can be internal or external, meaning you can have boundaries with others, but also boundaries with yourself. Boundaries exist in different domains of our life and change depending on each domain. Some boundary domains may include financial, time, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, etc.
There are many different types of boundaries as well. One type is a rigid boundary, meaning you have a clear, distinct, and strict boundary with another person. For example, if you have chosen to end a friendship after finding out your friend was gossiping about you, you could consider this a rigid boundary as you no longer have that person in your life. A good analogy for this type of boundary could be to envision your house surrounded by a barbed wire-laden, electrical fence with a moat preceding it; no one is crossing that boundary. Another type of boundary could be an open or enmeshed boundary. This type might occur when you lack boundaries with another person. Think of this as a complete lack of a fence, where people can come and go and enter or exit your house at any time. A balance of these extremes might be a healthy or clear boundary, where some information, space, time, or experience is shared with another person, but there is still separation between the two people at times. In our house metaphor, this type of boundary might be represented by yours and a neighbors’ homes separated by a picket fence with a gate; there is space for some boundary crossings, but only when the gate is opened and the neighbor is welcomed. Each of these types of boundaries have pros and cons to them; talk with your therapist about what the benefits and ramifications of each type might be for you!
Why do we have them?
Barriers have lots of functions and are important for a plethora of different reasons. For starters, barriers help you define who you are as separate from others. They give you a distinct identity and help you to understand and place your needs as priorities in your lives. They also help you recognize your likes and dislikes! Boundaries also help protect you and keep you safe, physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Having limits also helps you take care of yourself; they demonstrate your commitment to self-respect and self-care. Finally, boundaries give you permission to say “no” to things and not take everything on.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Here are some signs to watch for that may alert you to examine if your boundaries are effective or not:
Discussing very personal or intimate details with someone upon meeting them
Never discussing any information with others
Feeling an unstable or flimsy sense of your identity
Allowing others to direct your decision-making
Sweeping your emotions and needs “under the rug” to avoid conflict or putting others’ needs first
Allowing others to take up all your time
Falling in love with someone you’ve just met
Having no relationships you can turn to for support
Giving all your energy, time, or money to another person or people without engaging in self-care habits
Allowing others to define who you are
Others describe you as “cold”, “aloof”, or “detached”
Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial, etc.) and violence
Barriers to Setting or Maintaining Boundaries
Boundaries are notoriously difficult to set if you never learned how to set healthy boundaries or if you’re under significant stress. Here are some other common barriers that might make boundary setting uncomfortable and challenging. This is by no means an exhaustive list of the barriers to setting boundaries, so talk with your therapist about what might be getting in your way!
A lack of awareness of a need for a boundary – sometimes we don’t even know a boundary might be needed!
A lack of self-respect – if you don’t value yourself, it might feel pointless to assert your needs
A lack of effective boundary setting modeling – if you’ve never seen someone set boundaries effectively, you might not have a template for how to do it yourself!
Cognitive distortions and unjustified guilt
These can be thoughts that might tell you that your boundary is “unreasonable”, that setting your boundary will make you “selfish”, that you’re “asking for too much”, that “others will hate you for setting that boundary”, or that “the relationship will blow up if I ask for that or say no”
Values conflicts
Sometimes our values might compete and make it difficult to set a boundary. For example, you might get asked to help a friend move on Saturday but you might also need a weekend to relax. Your values of friendship and self-care might conflict, leaving you to make a difficult decision
Intense emotions
Your emotions can push you to avoid setting boundaries. For example, if you’re afraid and fearful of conflict, you may be more prone to assert yourself and avoid boundary setting. Similarly, you may ineffectively set a boundary by yelling at your best friend when angry.
How to Set & Maintain Boundaries
If you have struggled to establish and keep boundaries in the past, fear not! You can change these patterns! Here are a few ways to start altering some of those habits:
Practice self-awareness of your needs, wants, limits, and emotions
Emotions are signals. What is your body and mind trying to communicate to you by experiencing fear? Anger? Shame?
What are you willing to do, go along with, or feel, and what are you not okay with?
Identify your values and important principles, and identify how yours differ from those of the people around you.
With awareness of your needs, wants, limits, and emotions, work on communicating them.
Inform
Don’t let your needs and wants pile up (resentment can build quickly!)
Acknowledge that you have feelings and you deserve to have them heard.
Tell others what your limits are. You have to tell other people what is important to you, what you need from them, and what you will tolerate. They can’t read your mind.
Request what you need/ Say no to a request
Use “I statements” – “I feel angry when…”, “I would like…”, “I want…”
Consider how intensely you need to set a boundary. Does a gentle “no thanks” or “It would be nice if…” suffice, or do you need a firm and direct “NO” or “I need you to…”?
Remember, “No” is a full sentence. There is no need to elaborate on why you’re setting a boundary if you don’t want to.
Consequences
If people keep violating your boundary after you set it, you may need to find a “consequence” to communicate to that person that you will not tolerate their trampling of your boundary.
Taking a “vacation” from the relationship, only communicating in-person, or sticking to conversational “safe topics” are some examples of potential “consequences”.
Remember, “we teach people how to treat us.”
However, avoid using threats, bluffs, violence, etc. “If you continue that behavior, I will take care of myself by ….”
Be aware of your emotions when setting boundaries, but don’t let your emotions take over! Your emotions communicate important information to you and others about your boundaries, but be mindful of if your emotions are helping you or getting in the way of you setting boundaries effectively. Try to remain grounded when setting your boundaries.
Similarly, avoid setting boundaries as a means to “manipulate” or “win a power struggle”. No one wins in these situations.
Prioritize your safety
Don’t compromise your boundaries to be liked or fit in. Avoid situations that could cause harm.
Team up when you can – share with the other person how them adhering to your boundary will help the relationship and them, not just you. “If you’re able to do XYZ, here’s how that will help us both out…”.
Negotiate when the boundary isn’t a top priority for you. Sure, I’d love to set a boundary that I’ll never take the trash out again, but it’s probably not going to be well-received by others I share a space with.
How can you work with the other person so that you get your needs met at times and they get their needs met at times?
Practice acceptance that, at times, you may not agree with the other person. Then, decide how you want to proceed given the disagreement.
Is the boundary, your self-respect, or the relationship the priority in this circumstance?
Remember, you’re not able to change others’ reactions to your boundaries or get them to adhere to your boundaries, but you can decide what happens if they choose not to respect your boundaries.
Boundary setting isn’t guaranteed to change others; it’s about deciding what you will and won’t tolerate.
Work with your therapist to reframe thoughts that contribute to “unjustified guilt” about setting and keeping boundaries. If you grew up with messages that you weren’t allowed to have boundaries or that you always need to put others first, setting boundaries can be difficult and old beliefs may trigger unwarranted feelings of guilt, remorse, or contrition.
Ask yourself “Is my request reasonable given the circumstances?”
Find ways to detach with compassion – that is, love the person but set boundaries with them and yourself to focus on yourself instead of them.
Seek support – connect with others who are affirming and respectful of your boundaries and who can offer validation and encouragement when setting or keeping a boundary feels difficult.
For more information on effective boundary setting, be sure to call or email CPGR to set up an appointment!
